Asleep at the wheel

So I'm going to counseling. I've been in a self-destructive suicidal spiral for about half a year now, ever since my grandmother died last Christmas. Not many of you know about my grandmother. I didn't really want to talk about it. I couldn't talk about it.

She was a headstrong argumentative bible thumper. But I loved her. She loved me too. Wasn't pleased with any of the choices I've made as an adult, and would explain in detail exactly what I was doing incorrectly. Last thing she told me before dying, was that I was fat. This I already knew, but thanks for the wisdom Grandma.

Life fell apart long before then for me though. I've been angry and bitter for as long as I can remember. Forced feelings toward my family, friends, co-workers, etc. I hated everyone and everything. Mostly myself. Especially myself.

I have so much that I want to say and apologize for, that I hardly know where to begin.

Let's start with the apologies.

I am sorry for my lack of respect towards my friends. I haven't treated any of you nicely, and it's been like this for too long now. I skipped Crystal's birthday party, even after I said I would come, because I was afraid. Not afraid of seeing my friends and having a good time, but afraid that I wouldn't meet their expectations of me. A fear of rejection by the very same people that I had already rejected. Crowds of people terrify me now. They might have always, which would explain my constant drinking. Liquid courage perhaps. Loss of brain cells, that could have been used to figure out the right thing to do.

I have missed and been absent from so many gatherings, I don't answer the phone because I don't want to be yelled at or cursed at. So instead of talking to me, people talk to Leslie. That tells me that I've failed in so many respects. You shouldn't have to talk to my girlfriend just to find out what's wrong with me. Fuck, I need everyone's support, just like you need me to be who I was. If you want to talk, call me or email me.

There was a time when I was a good friend. That too was so long ago, that I've forgotten how to be that person.

Old Dragons Lose Their Teeth

Dragons don't scare me anymore. At least not the old ones that I'm seeing again. These figures used to be titanic gods that trembled the very ground that they proudly walked upon. Their utterances were received as blessings from on high. A glance would smite the undeserving.

Get the gist?

Not anymore. Now they are just embittered old fools. Rehashing outdated concepts and applying a new veneer to old crap. Cackling to the old used jokes.

Perhaps I've become disillusioned to the process. Perhaps these dragons should still be worshiped. Perhaps I should stop complaining and accept my fate linked to these beasts.

Beasts of burden now. Old dragons lose their teeth.

I should weep for them. But I don't care anymore. Just give me a fucking A.

Ethics

I laughed so hard after reading this Girl Genius. The final panel did it for me. No wonder I enjoy the company of cats so much.

Cookie coma

Wow these cookies are good...

And since I care about everyone else, here's the recipe off the back of the butterscotch chips.

Oatmeal Scotchies
1 1/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup butter
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract of grated peel of 1 orange
3 cups quick of old-fashioned oats
1 2/3 cups (11 oz pkg) nestle toll house butterscotch flavored morsels

Preheat oven to 375

Combine flour, baking soda, cinnamon and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated suger, brown sugar, eggs and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in oats and morsels. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

Bake for 7 to 8 minutes for chewy cookies; 9 to 10 minutes for crisp cookies. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Makes about 4 dozen cookies (that you will really enjoy).

Dead in here

Think I just saw a tumbleweed.

I hope to start posting entries soon. School is on week 9, 11 weeks per quarter, so things are kinda moving along now.

Tivo and TCM have been nice to me lately, there was a Sean Connery marathon. So I was able to watch a bunch of his older work while I was drawing/shading: Shalako, The Great Train Robbery, A Fine Madness, The Wind and the Lion, and others.

That's all I have for now. Back to the grind. I'll write more later.

Movie Review 01

I hate reviews, let me just say that. I can't write them either because, well, I don't want to sound like a pretentious douche bag. So let's get to it.

Night Watch turned out to be almost as good as I was hoping it would be. And if I ever can locate a copy of it in town, I'll probably buy it, though I might just order all 3 books (Night Watch, Day Watch, Twilight Watch) from amazon and be done with it. My only complaint with the movie was the dubbing being off a couple of times. So if you can find a version with Russian language track and English subtitles, go for that. Or just torrent a subbed one. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it.

Perfect Creature looked promising, but then I watched it. Watched the whole thing. Wish I hadn't. I don't know quite what I was expecting from the movie, since it had vampires protecting society. I think I was hoping for another Equilibrium, but it wasn't. It was crap. Please avoid this movie. I could go on as to why you should, but I'm not going to. Just save yourself that slice of time and do something worthwhile instead. Maybe grow a cactus. Something like that.

Children of Men was very good. Really wish I had seen this movie in the theater. Watching it at home was great too, I wasn't missing out on anything by not seeing it in the theater. Sometimes things just deserve to be bigger, and this is a big movie in scope. I actually had decent thoughts about my fellow humanity after watching this movie. Until I went to class the next day and was forced to deal with putzes. Oh well, good will lasted for eight hours or so, what more can you hope for.

Arrested Development: Season 2

Well, the three discs that comprise Arrested Development: Season 2 arrived yesterday. I held off watching them until today, where I did them all in one sitting...

As outlandish as the characters are, they are also some of the most human that I've seen on tv in a long time. Of course, most of my favorite shows have a sci-fi/action bent to them, so I can't voice much on "human" characters.

There's just one more season to watch and it's only two discs long. So I'm kinda bummed about that, but am still really looking forward to completing the series. Which I suspect I'll do in another sitting.

Yeah, I need help.

Then my netflix queue goes back to anime. Might need to rethink that. Spend some more time exploring tv shows that I meant to watch but never got around to.