Asleep at the wheel

So I'm going to counseling. I've been in a self-destructive suicidal spiral for about half a year now, ever since my grandmother died last Christmas. Not many of you know about my grandmother. I didn't really want to talk about it. I couldn't talk about it.

She was a headstrong argumentative bible thumper. But I loved her. She loved me too. Wasn't pleased with any of the choices I've made as an adult, and would explain in detail exactly what I was doing incorrectly. Last thing she told me before dying, was that I was fat. This I already knew, but thanks for the wisdom Grandma.

Life fell apart long before then for me though. I've been angry and bitter for as long as I can remember. Forced feelings toward my family, friends, co-workers, etc. I hated everyone and everything. Mostly myself. Especially myself.

I have so much that I want to say and apologize for, that I hardly know where to begin.

Let's start with the apologies.

I am sorry for my lack of respect towards my friends. I haven't treated any of you nicely, and it's been like this for too long now. I skipped Crystal's birthday party, even after I said I would come, because I was afraid. Not afraid of seeing my friends and having a good time, but afraid that I wouldn't meet their expectations of me. A fear of rejection by the very same people that I had already rejected. Crowds of people terrify me now. They might have always, which would explain my constant drinking. Liquid courage perhaps. Loss of brain cells, that could have been used to figure out the right thing to do.

I have missed and been absent from so many gatherings, I don't answer the phone because I don't want to be yelled at or cursed at. So instead of talking to me, people talk to Leslie. That tells me that I've failed in so many respects. You shouldn't have to talk to my girlfriend just to find out what's wrong with me. Fuck, I need everyone's support, just like you need me to be who I was. If you want to talk, call me or email me.

There was a time when I was a good friend. That too was so long ago, that I've forgotten how to be that person.